it’s too hard sometimes

 

before i write anything, i must announce that i think this man who is sitting near me in Beaner’s (who is kinda of a larger person) just let one out that has smelled the whole place up.. sick. i’m gaging.

moving on…

ok, so lately I have just been BLAH. WHY??  i shouldn’t be feeling like this. people love me. Jesus loves me. i have plans. i have ideas. i have dreams. I HAVE GOALS!  but guess what.. sometimes i don’t think i include God in any of this. like, i SAY i do, but do i really??  i do not know!!!  and this reality is so frustrating to me. it’s like, what in the WORLD do i do?? how do i fix this??

i need to trust God on this one.. but how can i trust Him when i feel like i barely know Him these days? it’s too hard sometimes…

AND to top it all off, it makes relationships suck. i feel like i am losing touch with everyone. i want to have so much time with people and i want people to want to hang out with me.. but why? for myself. not for God. like, i know by hanging out with people i am not NOT honoring God… however, i just feel like, i dont know. i feel i am very selfish..

i am really sorry to be letting this all out on WordPress..but i am in Beaner’s right now (like ALWAYS) and i just need to let some stuff out…haha OH! i decided i am going to make more purposful time with people. no more of this trying to ‘fit people in’ crap… i am going to make plans. plans with people. plans by myself. plans with God.  i NEED to.

i still do not have a job. i’m mad. why? i am a good person. i am a GOOD employee. srsly peeps. what’s up!!!  i hope atleast PetSmart will hire me… :/  

why do i sometimes feel like i have lost touch with God? why don’t i make more time with Him. what does that even mean?? What do i even need to do in order to have a real relationship with God? i mean, i THOUGHT i knew once. but i guess i was wrong… i am just really struggling to FEEL and KNOW God’s unconditional love for me.. the love he showed when he sent Jesus here to die for ME… and even that, sometimes, is hard for me to believe…

it’s just.. too… hard… sometimes.